It’s been all over the news for the past couple of weeks: Congress has officially declared pizza to be a vegetable. I want to assure you from the outset that I am not here to engage in political commentary or debate. I’m here solely to teach you how to take advantage of the current situation, and the current situation is the following: Congress is run by carnies. Let me explain:
Most human adult Americans agree that 4 ounces of tomato sauce sandwiched between dough and excessive amounts of cheese probably does not count as a vegetable. If, however, you are part of the population that was raised by professional carnival operators, pizza is incontestably a vegetable. In fact, pizza and corndogs have the same nutritional value in the carnie-verse as do spinach and kale in our regular, day-to-day boring-verse. In the carnie-verse, the only truly acceptable source of vitamin C is cotton candy. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, to be a carnie! How I wish I could live in a world in which pizza and chili dogs and deep-fried oreos were good for me!” Let me be the first to welcome you to the carnie-verse because your wishes have come true.
For too long, the activities of our government’s legislative body have been shrouded in a dark cloak of secrecy. They have, up until now, led us all to believe that their meetings are dull, scholarly, and important. With this recent pizza/ vegetable declaration, however, it is clear that congress is actually code for “carnival,” and that the entire outfit is a wild operation to cover up for its seething carnie underbelly.
So congress might have goofed. Pizza isn’t a vegetable, mostly because we live in a boring-verse instead of a carnie-verse. However, since Congress has, in the past, led us to believe that it is a collection of fairly intelligent carnies, Americans might actually take their declaration as permission to eat more pizza. And herein lies my point. Pizza is awesome. It has been listed amongst the “trending-est” items all year long and on top of that, congress has finally given us permission to push it on our guests as a “healthy option”.
Of course, we who were not raised by carnies know that pizza is not, in fact, a vegetable. Our guests probably know this, too. However, the nutritional value of pizza is officially ambiguous, and that means that even your most ivy-leagued, calorie-conscious guests will be more inclined to order anything pizza-related. Now is the perfect time to experiment with flatbreads, bruschettas, and the like. I guarantee that no one will complain. Not only does everyone appreciate a good slice every now and then, but there are also countless ways to incorporate your signature and make your pizza sing with whatever unique twist you have applied.
And now for the challenge: Congress goofed and it’s our job to make the most of the error. Pizza is an affordable way to try out new ideas and possibly profit from the produce your clever sous-chef accidentally over-ordered. If ever there was a time to play around with pizza, it is now. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Has Congress’ fallacious declaration affected your pizza-related profits? I hope you’ll leave me a comment below.
Update 12/2/2011 2:30 pm MST
First of all, I want to apologize if I offended any of you with this article. That was certainly not my intention, and I assure you that I will be more careful in the future. My take was that the whole pizza/ vegetable debacle was a little silly and didn’t realize the amount of work that has gone into both sides. I or KNG is certainly not trying to push any political agenda or even engage in political debate.
While it’s never comfortable to have your work criticized by your readers, it is encouraging to see that you all care so deeply about these issues. I applaud you for your passion, and I am right there with you. I do hope that you will forgive me for my flippant, satirical take on the situation and continue to offer your feedback in the future.